Crawling In The Dark
by Heaven Star
Summary: Kenshin song-fic. The ever loveable Battousai reflects on his road over the last decade since he picked up his sakaba-tou


A/N - Ok guys, my formatting sucks, I know, if you *must* flame someone about it, flame my computer, it doesn't like me much. It told me it was overworked and underpaid - that's not my fault!! *Ahem* Now that my slightly insane outburst is over (doesn't everyone talk to their computer?!) I hope you enjoy this fic, even if it is badly formatted! It's one of my first stabs at writing a Kenshin fic, and the first one I've posted - please R & R!  
  
Disclaimer - I don't own Kenshin (*sniff* - damn it all!) or the song 'Crawling in the Dark' (by Hoobastank). If you are in any way related to either party, please don't sue me for borrowing your lyrics/character for the purpose of amusing my small mind. Thank you.  
  
Crawling In The Dark  
  
A lone figure sat upon the roof of the Kamiya Kasshin dojo, his violet eyes turned upwards to gaze at the moon, his long russet fringe falling around his face. With a sigh he absent- mindedly ran a calloused thumb over the worn hilt of his trusty sakaba-tou. It had been ten long years since the hell of Kyoto, its horror had never really left him.  
  
I will dedicate and sacrifice my every-  
  
Thing for just a seconds worth for my story's ending  
  
As a rurouni he had met many people, saved many people, served many people with his sword, but he had never felt that his soul had been cleansed. He was willing to give up everything for what he believed in - that everyone deserved to live in peace in the Meiji era. An ironic thought for the man once known as the Battousai. He just wished that, even for a fleeting moment, that he could see into the future - see whether his effort was all in vain.  
  
And I wish I could know the directions that I take And all the choices that I make won't be all of nothing  
  
His mind wandered to all the people that had fallen victim to his blade in Kyoto, he remembered every face, every circumstance, and every drop of crimson blood that had fallen to stain his hands. The day he had chosen to be a rurouni and save people with his sword, rather than kill them. Reflecting now he knew his words were chosen in frustration rather than with thought. He had been angry and confused when he realised that he had been drawn down a path he had no original intention of walking. All he'd wanted to do was save people with his sword, bring about the revolution. He knew now that all he had really succeeded in doing was causing a lot of blood to spill.  
  
Show me what it's for make me understand it I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answers Is there something more than what I've been handed? I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answers  
  
He remembered how hard it had been to suddenly drop five years of knowledge, five years of living as a Hitokiri. He had found it extremely difficult to stop glancing around for alcoves and alleyways that he might be able to make use of later, to stop instantly blending into crowds to aid any work he might be doing, how hard it was to stop assessing people on their appearance alone. How hard it was to become accustomed to his new blade, not nearly as fast as the blades he was used to. It had been difficult, but had it been worth it? Had his path taken him down the road he wanted to travel?  
  
Help me carry on surely its ok to use my heart and not my eyes To navigate the darkness  
  
What had hurt him the most, in his trip down memory lane, was the memory of people still showing fear upon seeing him, knowing what he had done and not caring that he was trying to atone, not being able to see past what he had done. It was enough to tear his already bleeding heart and soul to shreds. He hadn't noticed people's fear when he was known as the Hitokiri Battousai, he had been too focussed on other matters, but he had carried the burden then. Even now their were still people who knew what he had done, knew what he had been and refused to let him forget it.  
  
Will the ending be ever coming suddenly Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?  
  
He had traveled all across Japan encountering people who had changed his life, taught him things that he would never had known if he hadn't been walking this odd path to atonement. He had known joy after he had seen a child in peril reunited with its family, he had experienced heartache greater than he had ever known when he hadn't been able to save someone. He had experienced hospitality and heard other peoples morals relating to life, love, dreams and faith, many of which he still carried with him, his tribute to them. He had never known who he would encounter next, his life as a rurouni had never been boring.  
  
Show me what it's for make me understand it I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answers Is there something more than what I've been handed? I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answers  
  
Now his path had taken a different turn, he had settled for, what he guessed was, the longest time in one place since he had left Kyoto. He had paused a long while here and his heart had recently started telling him that he had to start moving again, however another part of him refused to move. He had met some of the most memorable people in all his years of wandering in the Kaimya Kasshin dojo, the roof of which he happened to be sitting on.  
  
So when it comes will I know? How much further do I have to go? And how much longer till I finally know?  
  
The headstrong Sanosuke who half followed Kenshin for his purpose of seeing if an Imperialist could change, the other half because Kenshin was a good, trustworthy friend. The, more- often- than- not, bratty Yahiko who tried to rush ahead and earn the respect of others and usually only succeeded in learning a lesson the hard way. He reminded Kenshin strongly in some ways of himself when he was younger. The feisty Kaoru, made of sterner stuff than she looked, her strong spirit and complete acceptance of who Kenshin was allowed her to hold a special place in his heart, she didn't care who had had been, only who he was now.  
  
Cause I'm flunking and I just can't see what's in front of me In front of me  
  
His thoughts again wandered back to the bloody streets of Kyoto, he had met many people there too. People he had hoped never to see or hear of again. Upon meeting them again, a decade later, he realised that it was something he had to face, without it there would be loose ends to his path that would haunt him for the rest of his life. It was in these people alone that he could truly see which way his path had taken him, see the change within himself. He reflected on how he had once acted towards them and how he acted now - they were completely different. He had changed, for the better he felt and he was still changing, he wondered when this road would be finished changing him.  
  
Show me what it's for make me understand it I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answers  
  
His inner battle between, what felt like two different souls residing in the one shell, was at times unbearable, but something he knew he had to endure. He often wondered if he would ever be free of 'the Battousai' within him, whether he would have to keep up his battle until the day he died. The thought made his heart plummet, he had to cope with it, he would never avenge those who he had slain if he didn't. He road seemed to have almost turned full circle, was this the way atonement was supposed to work?  
  
Is there something more than what I've been handed? I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answers  
  
He had wandered alone for years, never settling down always thinking that his path to atonement lay over the next hill, after saving the next person, showing another person the error in their ways, he wondered whether he had been chasing an idealists dream. The thought made the small ex-Hitokiri chuckle in irony, he had heard people say that using swords for improving the soul rather than harming people was an idealists notion, the most recent being Hiruma Gohei. He had commented, truthfully, that he preferred the idealist notion to the realism of the matter - maybe he hadn't been so rash when he had made his pact a decade ago, maybe he hadn't changed. Either way he wouldn't change his path for all the atonement in the world, it had taught him too much.  
  
A/N - By the way, did I mention this should probably have a fluff warning?! ^_^ 


End file.
